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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2013 5:58:29 GMT -8
Inside betrayal
I know they don’t know I know … they can’t. Apparently Maddy saw something yesterday and she talked to Jon about it. I heard them this morning going after each other. Maddy said, “The fucking asshole creeping out like that.”
Jon said, “Why do you think it was him creeping out, she could have thrown him out.”
“You have no idea do you? I thought you were clueless in the nethers, you have no sense about you Jon .. think about it.. it’s happening again. Sully followed her with Moses that night she started the fires.”
“Maddy, why didn’t you tell me.”
“I did. Jon”
“Just now. Maddy, my point is we’re arguing over what happened, the fact that it happened is what we wanted.”
“You mean your point Jon? I’ve never been comfortable with any of it, none of it. Not after what happened.. every time we advanced they take her, take more away. We wanted her to remember, not to get screwed from both ends.”
“Maddy, an oath, a promise, a sacred thing cannot be broken even in lives over, you know that. We know that. Woman you have little faith in what comes will reveal itself in time.”
“Don’t call me that and my faith has nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with what’s happening. Every fucking action is based on love or fear, doubt grows fear, not love. Watch her, look at her. It’s happening and we’ve kept them at bay as long as we could. It may come down to taking her home or surrendering her.”
“Shut up Maddy. We are not surrendering her.”
“Jon, she’s already surrendered herself to the idea after everything. This world is different, she doesn’t belong.”
“Maddy, when I swore my soul to you do you think I would give up on you? Not once did I, nor am I now.”
“This is different Jon, this is different. This is not about you, me or maybe even Gabriella. I don’t even know if this where we are supposed to be. When they found her and finally got her back home, she closed the journals, I couldn't get to them. All I had was the piece of canvas, the color matches.. the fucking blue matches. You know we had to react, we had to get her somewhere safe.”
“I know.. but remember we have others with us in spirit. The gathering will give us strength. In the dark dream, she saw the way.. and so I can..”
They stopped talking, maybe the heard me, but they stopped talking to each other. Maddy and Jon know me? They know something? This just confirms my resolve. How dare they.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2013 6:12:23 GMT -8
Maddy’s notes (hours later)
It’s starting again. I found her in center of the pentagram bleeding. Moses went looking for her and the hound howled. She’d written words in her blood. I write them here as it is my duty when the darkness comes. I never said I had to keep the pages. She wrote. She remembered another time.
The marriage was consummated and we slept. When I woke this morning, we were tangled together, he touched me when I was sleeping – I felt his finger caressing me. When I woke up, he smiled and then pulled away.
We argued, I told him I wanted him to leave, but even when I said it, I knew I could not bear it if I was never able to hold him and be near him. I’ve seen his face in my dreams, I’ve seen him for months, but I could not touch. I know why he says one thing and wanted to another.
Part of me feels like he is a spirit and I should have never trusted myself or the vision in the Tree Cathedral. He said he was real. He even promised not to leave before light. If I called him a liar, I would have to name myself in this plot. I have no idea what he was thinking. How could he go, how could he not realize what it means? I wanted to say more to him, but instead I told him to go.
He asked for time, but promised me he does not lie and I am his as he claimed. I feel like an uncut thread hanging from a priceless garment. It has yet to be determined if I belong in his tapestry or will I be severed as a nuisance? I gather with his temper, he will cut me free.
Damn myself.. my own soul for answered prayers. I do not know what he wants, what he needs. If I see another’s pain, I am able to focus with clear mind and try to help. With my own soul, my own heart I am helpless. With him I am helpless.
I want to wash away his pain, I want to help him rise up and live life like he has never done before. I am not sure he chose the right woman. He is a good man, maybe I can be a good woman and wife.
I've tried to sleep for hours, tried to rest. I want to scratch his name into my flesh until it bleeds. I want to suffocate under his weight. I want to feel his fingers caressing my body. I want to be buried alive with him in a secret place until he is part of my skin. I want to taste his lips again, I want...
How I want everything, but I know this should not be. This unholy thing between us is getting stronger with every hour I am awake. A blood oath taken to cross to and give him direction; but I was stupid. I left evidence of who I am and now I feel like I am addicted to this man whom has burrowed under my skin … I need to pluck him away, pull the leech away.
In all of this insanity, I feel he is a dream, I know he is a dream, yet I want to burn in his fire. I want to feel him all around me and consumed by. I want to scream at him, but this is different. I fear that I will not be able to purge him from soul. I feel that all of this effort is for naught.
Heaven helps me when the devil comes, I will not be the same.
I've written down her words, but I cannot let her see them. We're play with fire and danger. Whatever she saw in the vision, I'm sure it was something trying to surface. I cleaned her wounds and left with the pages of the journal. She'll never know, I've done it before, the only problem here is I have to find a hiding place.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2013 6:31:30 GMT -8
Tasting blood – feel the pain I am not completely sure who Maddy and Jon are, but I just woke from a dream and my skin burns. I can smell the blood .. it’s all over the journal.. and I feel like I'm going mad.. I dreamed, but the words are missing.. not on the walls, the canvas or my flesh.. it's starting again. I knew it would start again. I welcome you Sammael.. soon, very soon you’ll get your wish.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2013 19:12:48 GMT -8
Drowning in fire I felt the rain on my face standing in the woods under the Redwood and how I missed my woods so much and my cemetery. It smells like new life and beautiful rain. My eyes were closed, closed and I felt the first drop, them the second and third only to realize I was on fire. It was raining fire and it was his lips, his hands and my destruction. Please god, please let my skin burn off in the fire. I can’t stand this anymore, I can barely breathe. I beg you to help.. but as always I know you’ll leave me to drown in the fire.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 20:50:29 GMT -8
I can't go anywhere without feeling strange. I can't see anyone, everything has changed. Cause every time I close my eyes, it's you again. I hear your voice and I don't know what to do with myself. Tongue tied, valentine. It's you again. You're right there, he's right there. He wants and wants, demands what is not his right -- is it? I fucking burn to keep him away and he washes me with his mouth, bathes me in kisses, tastes my skin .. soothes me with water and holds me against my will. What is this? What is this god damn thing? What little does it matter? It’s the flesh holding my soul. Selfish salvation in nothing, but at least today when I left the message for him, I’ve made up my mind.
I found his little sister wounded and I fear whatever was there, isn’t right.. everything was off I sensed it in the air. I made sure she was okay, and brought her back to Muse. I think Moses helped her. Maddy would see the young one home and safe. I feel there’s something with her. When I touched her hair, she was still like the fields without wind. If I remember I will have to ask Mars about that.
Am I being selfish in going? Should I stay and offer to keep eyes over her? Help? This is not my fight and I haven’t been asked to help. No, this is a distraction. This is not something I should be involved with. He wanted to end the life of another, hopefully he has calmed down enough to wait before passing judgment even if it is justified. I waited to leave until he did. We never talked about me leaving, which is a relief. He has enough to deal with, I should not be one of them.
They will be torn, I feel it.. torn.. but maybe.. the gate is finished. I've delayed for a few more hours.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2013 17:31:49 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2013 13:13:28 GMT -8
Enough said... enough fucking said. I could start with carving out eyes and sewing mouths shut.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2013 13:14:53 GMT -8
Disaster waiting to happen... colliding with my heart and mind. What a fucking mess.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2013 21:52:15 GMT -8
I hate when there is nothing I am able to do... but when I return.. he will be warned. The old bastard... damn him.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2013 22:01:51 GMT -8
I knew I could not trust myself -- lies. Thank you shadows, thank you.
Ella vanished through the window.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2013 6:21:48 GMT -8
Fooled again Before she slippled out of the window, the canvas was painted and left, but it changed. Words died in blood.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2013 6:22:20 GMT -8
Twisted turn of events For months I’d been called away to a place I cannot stand. I waited and waited as Fate slowly revealed plans. I’ve been shown visions, pieces of things which I cannot control and see no real movement. Well, not the movement I thought there would have been. I would put damn him, but I know .. at least I feel I know what will come next. I digress. The gate was opened that night, I didn’t realize it was opened. When I returned home, the visions were clearer but only for moments though. Clarity will always elude me, that I’ve come to realize. I cannot trust myself. Anyone close to me would be caught up in constant reassurance so I push. I digress again. Sammael was there, he put his hands around me, I thought .. I was ready to welcome the harrowing to forget it all. To be swept back to hell and tortured, but in the end I would not remember what bits and pieces I know now. It’s not worth remembering the sweet, beautiful lie. What I can’t figure out is why in the lie what’s left is a real chapel. If the lie was real, why would he do that? Why would he abandon the one fucking thing that made his heart beat? Why? How can that be? It has to be a lie, it has to be lie. He hunted for Drenska. Thankfully the mino offered his help, along with a man with green eyes. The inquisitor was there again with his strange beads and questions. How can anyone ask so much and give so little? I know it will repeat, I was warned, I should have stayed away. Though he sucked me in, he saved me from the fire and stayed inside without knowing what it did. Hell I didn’t know what it did. Who could fucking imagine what it would do, how being tangled up with another as one would … would.. ground a soul. He made me see again, and I am not sure I can forgive him for that because it will be a beautiful lie. It started in that god forsake woods… it started before then with the god damn mirror and lead to him… lead to a vision. He had clarity and now? Now he walks in another place. I knew it would be …. The gate’s open. I’m returning to Seattle, though I am not sure what good it would do. I am a relic in a world that forgets. I’m sure he has forgotten, it always happens that way. I knew I should have stayed away, something happened to him and his brother… and now I need to make sure the small one is looked after until he returns. The little one needs a protector. I’ve arranged to make sure she has one, Theodore has offered his services.
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