Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2013 21:26:39 GMT -8
So I had someone tell me that maybe keeping a journal would help with what I'm going through. At this point, it can't hurt, right?
Where to begin...
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, I finally did it. I finally left Leland. Its not something I wanted to do of course, but it was something I needed to do. While I love him and always will, it just wasn't working. An engaged couple is suppose to be there for one another at all times, through thick and thin. And I felt I wasn't getting what I needed. We've had issues before... -sigh- ...before my kidnapping. But it seems to have only gotten worse. Ifeel felt like I'm just there when he wants wanted me to be.
I called TC... Had him come get me. I'm staying with him and his very elusive friend Mason. The man is like a ghost. If it weren't for his things that I occasionally find here and there, or the fact that I picked up on his scent, one might never know he was ever around. TC tells me he's a really good and close friend of his. They are like brothers. Truly. Maybe I'll get to see the similartites soon. Anyway, I'm staying with TC because I have no place else to go. I can't go back to my own place yet for two reasons now. Leland has his things there and then... I don't want to be left alone.
Sasha stays with Mars at the pack house, Styx has Dean with her, at her place. Alex and Meghan? I wouldn't feel comfortable with invading their privacy either. So yeah, with no one else to really turn to, TC is helping me out. I had thought about staying in a hotel for a while, but TC wouldn't have it.
Then there are the nightmares... I use to have them almost every night. But they haven't been quite as bad lately. Not since staying with TC. He's got a really nice quite place out in the woods, so maybe that's why? I'm not sure. Maybe its the company. Or could be both, I just don't know. But whatever it is, its helping and I actually get a few nights of rest here and there.
Speaking of TC... I have seen how he looks at me. Has looked at me for a long time. Even before I left Leland. Way before. I didn't want to see it then, but... I can't ignore it now. Its even more apparent when he touches me or holds me. I think we have feelings for each other, but I'm not sure that now is a good time for us to act on them or label them or whatever.... I mean... I guess its kind of late to not act on them... but I don't think we need to label anything. I just... I'm okay with it being just as it is, whatever it is...
He gives me what I want and have needed for a long time. Its nice to feel wanted again. I don't expect things between us to get serious and remain serious or us to commit to each other. But if it happens, it could be a good thing... if it doesn't? That's okay too because I know we will always be friends. Just very very close friends with a special kind of connection.
How did things get this way? I could say it was the other night when we went out for drinks and we made a bet. I of course got drunk off my ass, and he did too, but I was very aware of everything that led up to us sleeping together that night. It was ... amazing. I never knew that I could feel such an intense connection or feelings.
However, I think it all started with a kiss. Just a silly kiss he won through a game of pool...
I'm beginning to think that kiss was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if I had been engaged to Leland at the time.
Its late, I'm tired, but I don't want to go to sleep yet, for obvious reasons...I'm off to find something to do until I pass out from exhaustion maybe. Maybe I'll get to developing those wedding pictures for Shay and Jake. Which, by the way, I am so very grateful for. They considered me for their wedding and getting out there and doing what I use to love to do, was such a breath of fresh air. Thank you Shay and Jake. You will never know just how much I needed that...
Where to begin...
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, I finally did it. I finally left Leland. Its not something I wanted to do of course, but it was something I needed to do. While I love him and always will, it just wasn't working. An engaged couple is suppose to be there for one another at all times, through thick and thin. And I felt I wasn't getting what I needed. We've had issues before... -sigh- ...before my kidnapping. But it seems to have only gotten worse. I
I called TC... Had him come get me. I'm staying with him and his very elusive friend Mason. The man is like a ghost. If it weren't for his things that I occasionally find here and there, or the fact that I picked up on his scent, one might never know he was ever around. TC tells me he's a really good and close friend of his. They are like brothers. Truly. Maybe I'll get to see the similartites soon. Anyway, I'm staying with TC because I have no place else to go. I can't go back to my own place yet for two reasons now. Leland has his things there and then... I don't want to be left alone.
Sasha stays with Mars at the pack house, Styx has Dean with her, at her place. Alex and Meghan? I wouldn't feel comfortable with invading their privacy either. So yeah, with no one else to really turn to, TC is helping me out. I had thought about staying in a hotel for a while, but TC wouldn't have it.
Then there are the nightmares... I use to have them almost every night. But they haven't been quite as bad lately. Not since staying with TC. He's got a really nice quite place out in the woods, so maybe that's why? I'm not sure. Maybe its the company. Or could be both, I just don't know. But whatever it is, its helping and I actually get a few nights of rest here and there.
Speaking of TC... I have seen how he looks at me. Has looked at me for a long time. Even before I left Leland. Way before. I didn't want to see it then, but... I can't ignore it now. Its even more apparent when he touches me or holds me. I think we have feelings for each other, but I'm not sure that now is a good time for us to act on them or label them or whatever.... I mean... I guess its kind of late to not act on them... but I don't think we need to label anything. I just... I'm okay with it being just as it is, whatever it is...
He gives me what I want and have needed for a long time. Its nice to feel wanted again. I don't expect things between us to get serious and remain serious or us to commit to each other. But if it happens, it could be a good thing... if it doesn't? That's okay too because I know we will always be friends. Just very very close friends with a special kind of connection.
How did things get this way? I could say it was the other night when we went out for drinks and we made a bet. I of course got drunk off my ass, and he did too, but I was very aware of everything that led up to us sleeping together that night. It was ... amazing. I never knew that I could feel such an intense connection or feelings.
However, I think it all started with a kiss. Just a silly kiss he won through a game of pool...
I'm beginning to think that kiss was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if I had been engaged to Leland at the time.
Its late, I'm tired, but I don't want to go to sleep yet, for obvious reasons...I'm off to find something to do until I pass out from exhaustion maybe. Maybe I'll get to developing those wedding pictures for Shay and Jake. Which, by the way, I am so very grateful for. They considered me for their wedding and getting out there and doing what I use to love to do, was such a breath of fresh air. Thank you Shay and Jake. You will never know just how much I needed that...