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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2013 19:42:39 GMT -8
If only there were words that could describe it all. The madness. The pleasure. The pain. How could it have come to this? I've been moving so long I have forgotten what it was like to be still. My body is still raging againts itself and I dont know how to stop it. Distraction I suppose isn't that what they all are in the end? A distraction. Or am I theirs? Where do we draw the line. When do we stop lying to ourselves. Lying to others. My family is gone. I will never have another. It's an immature thought but its a fear. I have fears I am entitled to them an to hell with who doesn't like it. There is so much pain here. Its like no matter where I look the people I love are hurting. My boy's are strong but I can see how broken they are.
We are all broken. Beautiful broken peices lying together waiting for our maker to put us back together. Where are we in this grand plan I would like to know. All I know is when I feel whole, in those rare moments of clarity I know its a mistake. How can something that feel so right...and be such a mistake.
in the end I suppose it wont matter. These like the rest will be lost in time nothing more than a Careless Whisper
" I wish I had done everything on Earth with you"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2013 16:20:39 GMT -8
I haven't quite figured out what it is with this place. What it is that had deflated me to the point that I was. It had happened so quickly that I hadn't even taken the time to realize what exactly had happened. Traveling alone for so long it was hard to remember what it had been like to be surrounded by your own kind and to feed off of them. It is a trap too easily fell into by those who so easily forget as I had. I woke this morning with new conviction and purpose. No longer will I be bogged down in the depression that is this place. No longer will I allow other's to wallow in their own self pitty. I am better than that and the company I keep is as well. I felt such guilt that I thought i had been weighted down by chains but I have broken them. I can no longer be responsible for the actions of others. I can no longer take the burdan of their death's upon myself. The more I allow myself to remember the more I allow myself to beleive that it wasn't my fault and as much as I childishly wanted someone to blame even if it had to be myself it isn't my burdan to bare.
I recall now who I truly am and who I was meant to be. I will not allow guilt to weaken me any longer. If there is a fight to be had it will be met with the full understanding that I will walk away. It will be met with the full understanding that I am superior and will remain so until beaten. This weakness is a sickness that only spread's when not attended properly and it will be attended and rid of. I will not allow the one I care about to be saddled down with guilt either. Magical or otherwise. It's time we all understand the realities of our lives and what they are now. Not what they were. They will never be as they were and only we can determine what they will be in the future. He is a man with many sides all of which need to be appreciated. Perhaps I am as derranged as he but I will not allow him to destroy himself. Not when there are opportunities to move forward. I never intended for this to happen and I know he didn't either. Who know's what it is...maybe it's nothing at all. I just know that whatever it is. Its right for us and if anyone tries to break it they will find themselves in more pain then they could ever fathom in 100 lifetimes. Death is a kindness and its rumored that I am not very kind.
Don't mistake my kindness for weakness...I am not above ruining you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2013 16:29:24 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2013 15:23:06 GMT -8
When lying yourself is as easy as lying to the world that is when you know you have won.
In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty.
Im radioactive
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2013 5:43:27 GMT -8
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2013 7:13:22 GMT -8
I wish with all my heart of heart's that just one day I would wake up and not feel the way that I do. To have to wake up everyday and face yourself in the mirror once your lie has fallen apart. Not the lie to everyone else, no they will get over it. But when the lie you have been telling yourself crumbles all bet's are off. I find myself sleeping more if only to get through the day's. Avoiding those who are newly familiar. All those who are more familiar are gone now. I wish she would have told me that this blessing was a curse. Everyone that I love...everyone that I want close to me ripped away by some supposed bullshit destiny. No matter how fast I run I can never outrun it. I had always been told that but I only recently began to believe it. Lux told me that this to shall pass and that everything is as it is meant, I say fuck you to whomever is writing this destiny. Axle is not the same, then again how could he possibly be? Burdened with memories that would paralyze even the strongest of men. I know he wants so desperately to belong, a trait I wish he and I shared. I wish i could tell him that it was all going to be okay and that he should move forward with his life and let people in. How can I possibly in good faith do that? He is my brother and I love him and yet I cannot allow him to hurt anyone else. Or himself for that matter. Sometimes it isn't the easiest road to travel the one where you travel alone. We are all we have now...and the sooner we accept that the better. Am I an evil and selfish person for hoping that Lux keep's Leland wherever he is? How much easier that would make all of this. He wont understand why I have to do this. why he cannot get close to me again. Is this what it's like to miss someone so badly? Every time you think of them its like being stabbed in the gut a little. It will be easier. Everyday is a new day. It may not be a bright day...but a day all the same. I'll keep spending my time out here, far from them all. In the middle of nowhere, transient. Its easier this way. Depending on your definition of easy. What happened to goodbye?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2013 12:11:19 GMT -8
I wont let you in. Because there is nothing in here for you. Defeat me? Not on your best day. The world wasn't ready for me when I was brought into it. I'll give it hell until this wretched life leaves me. Hell raiser. Demon. Bitch. The way it was always meant to be. Live by the sword and die by it. I may be a soft flower but I am poison just waiting for another victim to come alone to feel the bite.
Come and get it
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